Breaking Free From Control: How to Embrace Trust and Uncertainty
When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. We frequently lose control of ourselves.
-Melody Beattie
Are you someone who loves to be in control of every aspect of your life? Do you meticulously plan every detail of your day and feel uneasy when things don’t go according to your expectations? If so, you may benefit from embracing the art of letting go.
The desire for control often stems from a need for security and predictability. The fear of the unknown and the inability to predict outcomes can intensify feelings of anxiety. To avoid that anxiety and discomfort, we may shield ourselves by creating an “illusion of control” in which we trick ourselves into thinking we have more control over our lives than we actually do.
While we might draw upon control tactics as a way to alleviate anxiety, find comfort, or empower ourselves, more often than not, it makes anxiety worse. The scary reality we must accept is that many things are beyond our control, and the more energy we invest in trying to manipulate outcomes that are out of our control, the more we may feel frustrated and powerless. Additionally, the relentless pursuit of control distracts us from focusing on coping with these uncertain circumstances. By shifting our focus to navigating and coping with uncertainty, we can find greater peace, fulfillment, and empowerment. Let’s delve into some practical suggestions for releasing the grip of control and embracing uncertainty:
Practice radical acceptance.
Accepting that uncertainty is an inherent part of life can help us cope. Many times, our attempts to control things that we ultimately don’t have control over only make things worse, so accepting that we don’t have control over everything allows us to figure out how to make the situation better and not worse. This acknowledgment frees up mental and emotional energy that might otherwise be consumed by denial or resistance, allowing you to channel it into productive actions and strategies.
Identify what you can control.
While you can’t control everything that happens to you, understanding what you can control empowers you to make positive changes in your life. Additionally, taking action on what you can control can sometimes influence change for things you can’t control. For example, if you wish your partner would adopt healthier habits, you can’t control whether they eat healthier or exercise, but you can prepare nutritious meals for yourself that may influence them to eat healthier.
Focus on the process, not the outcome.
Concentrating on the process directs your attention to the efforts and actions within your control. This approach acknowledges that you always have agency over your own actions. Conversely, fixating solely on the final outcome of an event can lead to feelings of hopelessness and overwhelm since negative outcomes can occur despite our best efforts. For example, when applying for a job, you may be the ideal candidate with a perfectly crafted resume, great interview skills, and a professional demeanor, but you can’t control whether the interviewer finds another candidate who was in the same fraternity or sorority as them. It doesn’t make you unqualified just because you did not get the job, so shaming yourself for that puts unnecessary blame on you. To combat that, create measurable goals for yourself to make experiences valuable regardless of the outcome. In the example of the job interview, you can make a small goal not to use filler words or to maintain eye contact during your interview, which can still make the interview a personal success even if it did not lead to the outcome you were hoping for. Ultimately the goal is to do your best to succeed while simultaneously knowing and accepting that the outcome is beyond your direct control.
Reframe your thoughts.
You may not be able to control everything that happens to you, but you can always control your response to what happens to you. Shift your focus to your thoughts and beliefs to gain a sense of agency and empowerment. Here are some reframes that illustrate this point:
Instead of thinking that uncertainty is threatening, think of it as an opportunity for growth and learning.
You can’t control traffic congestion, but you can control your response by remaining calm, listening to music or a podcast, and using the extra time to practice mindfulness or plan your day.
You can’t control if you are laid off from your job, but you can control your response by looking at this as an opportunity to re-evaluate your career goals and choose a more fulfilling or balanced job.
You may not like that it’s raining today, but the silver lining is that it gives you an opportunity to rest and be less productive.
Consciously remind yourself of these reframes when you notice negative thoughts creeping in.
Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a powerful tool for managing anxiety and letting go of control. Mindfulness involves observing our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without trying to control or change them. In this way, we can learn to observe life circumstances without trying to control or change them. Mindfulness also teaches us to detach from anxious thoughts, allowing us to experience the thoughts without becoming overwhelmed or acting on those thoughts. Through mindfulness, we can learn to cultivate a sense of inner peace and resilience, enabling us to respond to life’s challenges with greater clarity, equanimity, and flexibility.
Embrace trust.
The opposite of control is trust. My definition of trust is cultivating a sense of comfort with the unknown. Trust requires surrendering the need to micromanage outcomes and developing confidence in yourself, others, or fate that things will work out as they are supposed to. By cultivating trust in oneself and the world around us, we can let go of the constant need to control every aspect of our lives, leading to greater resilience, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.
While it’s natural to want to feel in control of our lives, clinging too tightly to this desire can lead to increased stress and anxiety. By letting go of the illusion of control, you can learn to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease
At Embodied Wellness Center, we take a holistic approach to mental health treatment. Interested in holistic therapy or want to learn more about it?
*Disclaimer: The content posted on this website is for marketing and educational purposes only. It is not, nor is it intended to be, psychotherapy or a replacement for mental health treatment. Please seek the advice of your licensed medical or mental health professional, and do not avoid seeking treatment based on anything read on this website.
