Overcoming “Shoulds”: The Path to Inner Freedom
In our daily lives, we may find ourselves using the word “should” as a motivator or a form of self-improvement. Phrases like “I should do my laundry tonight so that I have enough socks for tomorrow” are often harmless, but “should” statements stop being helpful when they lead to shame, guilt, or anxiety.
Examples of “Should” Statements:
“I should be able to balance all of my responsibilities.”
“I should go to bed earlier.”
“I should eat healthier.”
“My partner shouldn’t be leaving the dirty dishes in the sink.”
The Hidden Consequences of “Should” Statements:
“Should” statements often come with an implicit second half that remains unspoken but exerts a powerful influence on our thoughts and actions. For instance, when we say, “I should eat healthier,” the unspoken second half might be, “but I don’t because I’m lazy.” In this way, should statements are a type of black-and-white thinking: you either meet the “should” or fail. These unspoken judgments can be incredibly damaging to our self-esteem and self-worth. They create unrealistic expectations and set us up for self-criticism.
Additionally, we may not realize that despite our attempts to motivate ourselves, our “should” statements often demotivate us. When we use the word “should” in our self-talk, it often carries an implicit judgment that we’re not currently meeting that expectation, which can create a sense of guilt, inadequacy, or self-criticism. Such self-imposed pressure can lead to feelings of failure or frustration, especially when we repeatedly use “should” without taking action to align our behaviors with our ideals.
Another consequence of “should” statements is that they create a prison of expectations around us. When we continually tell ourselves that we “should” or “have to” do something, it fosters resentment and resistance. We start feeling trapped by our own demands, leading to a sense of powerlessness and frustration.
Wondering how to break free from the grip that “should” statements have on you? Here are some suggestions:
1
Understand the Source of the “Should” Statements.
To break free from the grip of “should” statements, it’s essential to understand where these pressures are actually coming from. Are these expectations your own, or are they influenced by society, family, or peers? Exploring the origins of your “should” statements can help you separate your authentic desires from external pressures.
2
Use the Semantic Method to Transform Your “Shoulds” Into Preference.
The semantic method involves changing the wording of your negative thoughts to feel less harsh. One way to do that with “should” statements is to replace “shoulds” with “coulds,” “want tos,” or “prefer tos.” For example, instead of saying, “I should clean my house on Saturday morning,” try saying, “I prefer to clean my house on Saturday mornings, but sometimes that isn’t possible.” This simple shift in language allows for flexibility and self-compassion.
3
Connect the “Should” Statements to Your Core Values.
Connecting a “should” statement to your core values helps align your actions with your authentic self, fostering motivation, purpose, and personal integrity. It can also help you stay motivated to achieve larger goals, leading to personal growth and a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life.
4
Identify the Deeper Fear Beneath the “Should.”
Try to finish your “should” statement with what you think will happen if you don’t follow your rule. For example: “I should weigh less than 150 pounds. If I don’t, I will never find a romantic partner.” This helps us understand the root cause of the “should” statement so that we can reflect on how helpful, accurate, or positive it is.
5
Set Goals for Yourself.
Many times, “should” statements are linked to goals we have for ourselves, but they are often vague or unattainable. When we break our “should” statement down into more realistic goals, we can take action. For example, “I should go to the gym every day” can be broken down into, “my goal is to go to the gym every day, but I’m not currently going at all, so I’m going to start by going to the gym once in the next week.”
“Should” statements, while sometimes motivating, can also be sources of anxiety, guilt, and self-criticism. By transforming your language and mindset, you can build a healthier relationship with yourself and your aspirations.
At Embodied Wellness Center, we take a holistic approach to mental health treatment. Interested in holistic therapy or want to learn more about it?
*Disclaimer: The content posted on this website is for marketing and educational purposes only. It is not, nor is it intended to be, psychotherapy or a replacement for mental health treatment. Please seek the advice of your licensed medical or mental health professional, and do not avoid seeking treatment based on anything read on this website.
