Understanding Verbal Abuse: Actionable Steps to Approach It

A distressed woman sits with her head in her hands while a man yells at her in the background, illustrating the impact of verbal abuse. This image represents emotional distress, manipulation, and the importance of setting boundaries in unhealthy relationships.

Verbal abuse is emotional harm caused by words used to manipulate, control, or belittle. Unlike healthy conflict, which focuses on mutual respect and compromise, verbal abuse seeks power and control. It’s often subtle, escalates over time, and can leave lasting emotional scars.

Recognizing Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can be slow yet progressive over time. Some examples may include:

- Gaslighting: Making someone doubt or question their reality or feelings. This might include phrases like, “You’re crazy, you need mental help” or “Are you insane? That never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- Threats: Making direct or indirect commentary regarding someone’s safety, personal opinion, or making someone fear for their own wellbeing.
- Constant Criticism: Calling out someone for their actions, feelings, or thoughts that make someone feel less than, not enough, and fear their work/intent isn’t pure or of good faith.

The Impact of Verbal Abuse

Victims of verbal abuse often face profound emotional and physical consequences. These may include:

- Low Self-Esteem: Frequent gaslighting, manipulation, and hurtful words can harm someone’s confidence and self-esteem.
- Mental Health Issues: Depression, lack of stability internally, fear, anxiety.
- Physical Symptoms: Eating disorders, fatigue due to lack of sleep, migraines.
- Social Isolation: Abusers often use verbal and manipulative tactics to isolate their victims, making it harder for them to keep in contact with loved ones, friends, and other support people who might offer some relief.

Three Actionable Steps to Approach Verbal Abuse

1

Set clear boundaries.

Establishing and enforcing boundaries is crucial in protecting yourself from verbal abuse. Here’s how to do it effectively:

- Be Direct and Specific: State clearly what behavior or action that you won’t deal with or listen to. For example, stating “I don’t appreciate when you say that I’m lazy, when I know that I’m a hard worker.”
- Use “I” Statements: Construct your phrases to be more precise by using statements around yourself. For example, “I feel taken advantage of when you don’t help me with the household chores.”
- Set Consequences: Decide on actions you’ll take if the verbally abusive behavior continues. For example, “If you keep talking badly to me, I’m going to talk to the HR department about it.” Follow through consistently to reinforce your boundaries, with evidence.
- Practice Assertiveness: People who abuse others don’t like consequences, therefore try rehearsing your statements to yourself, to better build yourself confidence and assertiveness skills.

2

Seek support.

Building a strong support system can help you navigate and address verbal abuse effectively:

- Confide in Trusted Individuals: Share what’s going on with trusted people around you, like family and close friends. Even a teacher or someone of authority.
- Join Support Groups: Listening to others who have been through something similar can be empowering. Look for groups where you can connect with others who have faced similar situations.
- Utilize Workplace Resources: If the abuse happens at work, contact your HR department or employee assistance program. Confide in co-workers and practice assertiveness skills within a safe space with privacy.

3

Document the abuse.

Keeping a detailed record of verbal abuse is essential, particularly if you plan to report the behavior or take legal action:

- Write It Down: Keep a journal of abusive incidents, noting the date, time, location, and specific words or actions. Include details of any witnesses or context. Some common ways to do this is with the Hidden notes on your phone, a diary, or an iPad with password protection.
- Preserve Written Evidence: Save emails, text messages, or social media posts that contain abusive messages. Take screenshots and back up the evidence in a secure location on your phone or computer.
- Organize Your Records: Keep your evidence in multiple locations: whether on a hard drive that is stored somewhere safely.

Breaking the Cycle

Healthy conflict is an essential part of any relationship and involves mutual respect, open communication, and a willingness to compromise. In contrast, verbal abuse aims to dominate and demean. Breaking the cycle of abuse requires intentional steps:

- Start Small: Don’t build the conflict by antagonizing the abuser. Do your best to not anger them, and stay calm during confrontations. Don’t mirror their actions or words.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Even something as simple as coffee with a trusted friend, going to the library where it’s safe, and taking a hot shower is good self-care.
- Establish a Safety Plan: If you’re in a dangerous situation, create a plan to leave safely. Pack a “go-bag” including important copies of documents, money in cash, and a change of clothes. Think about starting a bank account that the abuser is not aware of, to put money into, for an emergency.
- Access Advocacy Resources: Organizations like RAINN, domestic hotlines, women’s shelters, and even fire departments offer great chances to gain access to resources in order to promote freedom and a chance for safety if needed.

Moving Forward

Approaching verbal abuse can feel overwhelming and scary, yet taking action empowers you to reclaim your life again. By setting boundaries, keeping calm, preparing to leave if you have to, seeking support, and documenting incidents with ample evidence, you can begin the journey to healing and healthier relationships. Remember, you have the right to be treated with dignity and respect in every relationship you encounter.

If you’re ready to take the next step in your personal growth and healing, individual therapy at Embodied Wellness Center can provide the support and tools you need. Whether you’re seeking to manage anxiety, improve your relationships, or achieve better work-life balance, our holistic, mindfulness-based approach will help you navigate life’s challenges with greater clarity and resilience. Contact us today to begin your journey toward a more fulfilling and balanced life.

*Disclaimer: The content posted on this website is for marketing and educational purposes only. It is not, nor is it intended to be, psychotherapy or a replacement for mental health treatment. Please seek the advice of your licensed medical or mental health professional, and do not avoid seeking treatment based on anything read on this website.