How to Handle Disagreements Without Ruining Your Relationship

A couple sitting on the couch facing away from each other after an argument, showing conflict in a relationship.

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed that certain issues seem to pop up again and again. In fact, research shows that about 69% of problems in a relationship are not resolvable. In the Gottman Method, a theoretical model for couples counseling, these are called perpetual problems. Choosing a partner means choosing a set of problems. Any person you enter into a relationship with will have their own problems that they come with, as no person is perfect. The important question is: Can you live with this set of problems?

The goal isn’t to eliminate these recurring issues, but to manage them in a way that strengthens your connection instead of creating distance. That requires balancing acceptance and change, and learning how to create dialogue instead of gridlock. Below, we outline different ways to manage perpetual problems.

1

Focus on understanding, not winning.

One of the most powerful tools in conflict management is showing your partner you understand and care about their perspective. Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing; it means you acknowledge that, from their point of view, their feelings make sense. This starts with giving them space to speak without interruption and listening to understand, not solely to respond. The goal isn’t to decide who’s right or wrong, but to find a way for both of your perspectives and needs to be acknowledged and respected. When that happens, both people win.

Remember that about two-thirds of communication is nonverbal. Your body language can speak volumes, so show you’re listening by making eye contact, nodding, leaning in, and facing your partner. Put away distractions and avoid multitasking, especially during important conversations, so your partner feels fully seen and heard.

2

Cultivate an attitude of curiosity.

It’s easy to assume you already know what your partner thinks or feels, but assumptions can shut down real communication. When you ask questions instead of assuming, you open up the doors to communication and the opportunity to have new conversations rather than repetitive arguments. A judgment might sound like, “You’re always late. You clearly don’t care about my time.” Approaching this situation with curiosity sounds like, “I’ve noticed you often run late when we need to get somewhere. Can you help me understand what’s going on for you in those moments?”

3

Use “I” statements to express your feelings.

Instead of describing your partner and what is so frustrating about the situation at hand, focus on describing yourself and the feelings that this perpetual problem evokes in you. This will help minimize defensiveness from your partner and ensure you feel heard. For example, instead of saying “your chronic lateness infuriates me,” you can say, “I feel flustered and anxious when we arrive late to family gatherings.”

4

Recognize your role in the conflict.

In almost every disagreement, both partners have contributed in some way. Taking even small amounts of responsibility can lower tension and make problem-solving easier. It shifts the tone from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.”

5

Learn to pause when emotions run high.

In the Gottman Method, the term flooding is used to describe emotional overwhelm that impairs your ability to think or respond. Signs of flooding include a racing heart, muscle tension, shallow breathing, or feeling panicked. When flooded, your cognitive abilities are limited, making it hard to listen, regulate your emotions, or think logically. When this happens, it’s best to pause the conversation and resume when both you and your partner are calmer. The break should be at least 20 minutes, as this is the minimum amount of time it takes for your nervous system to shift out of “fight or flight” and into “rest and digest.” Go for a walk, listen to music, or engage in deep breathing. Avoid replaying the argument in your head during this time, which will keep you stuck in fight-or-flight mode. Resuming the discussion when you’re calm gives you a much better chance at resolution.

6

Reframe your perspective.

Sometimes it is our own thoughts that contribute to our suffering more than the other person’s actions. You may think that your perspective is right, and your partner should change in the ways you want them to. You may think that until they agree with you, the conflict isn’t over and you cannot move forward. Our thoughts are not always rational, and they’re not always helpful. Challenge your thinking to see if there are more helpful or rational ways of looking at these recurring scenarios. You may ask yourself, “do I want to be right, or do I want harmony?” The reality is that someone can love you very much and still think and act differently than you would like them to. Remember the fallacy of change: the belief that your happiness depends on your partner changing. In reality, your happiness is shaped by the choices you make every day, not just your partner’s actions.

7

Identify the core need.

Most conflicts are usually deeper than they appear on the surface, and most conflicts are linked to underlying needs that have not been met. See if you can drop below the surface level and examine what’s really underneath it. Here are some examples of core needs:

- - Feeling loved, respected, and valued
  - Feeling safe (emotionally and physically)
  - Feeling heard and understood
  - Feeling connected (knowing your partner’s inner world, sharing experiences and having quality time, etc.)
  - Having autonomy and individuality
  - Having teamwork and collaboration
  - Feeling desired and attractive

8

Timing matters.

Conversations may turn into conflicts solely because they were initiated at a bad time for one or both partners. Consider your partner’s capacity for this conversation. Is it the end of a busy work day? Did your child just throw a temper tantrum? Is your partner recovering from a cold? Vulnerability factors like these may impair your partner’s ability to communicate effectively, making it hard to have a healthy dialogue. If you’ve been preparing what you want to say all day, it may not be fair to spring a conversation on them without giving them a chance to prepare or decide when they are able to have a conversation like that. You may choose to explain, “hey, I wanted to talk about the household tasks but I want to make sure it’s a good time for you. Can you let me know when you’re emotionally and physically available to discuss this?”

It’s important to remember that every relationship has conflicts, even healthy ones. The goal is not to eliminate conflict, but to learn to manage conflict in a way that propels your relationship forward. Conflict can be a very helpful tool for deepening intimacy and closeness in a relationship, or it can cause a divide, and it all depends on how we manage these conflicts.

Ready to strengthen your relationship?

If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in the same arguments or struggling to feel understood, couples counseling can help. At Embodied Wellness Center, we use the Gottman Method, which is a practical, evidence-based approach that gives couples concrete tools to improve communication, manage conflict, and rebuild connection. Learn more about our Couples Counseling services or Contact Us today to get started.

*Disclaimer: The content posted on this website is for marketing and educational purposes only. It is not, nor is it intended to be, psychotherapy or a replacement for mental health treatment. Please seek the advice of your licensed medical or mental health professional, and do not avoid seeking treatment based on anything read on this website.